Do you ever get to that point where you don't want to be around anyone at all, I mean, literally, at all, but if you stay home people will nag you, so you go out, and you find that you're a boring person and don't really have any fun anyway? I've been doing that a lot lately. It's mostly the turn in recent events that has caused me to turn quite this inward, but I've been spending so much time with people that I can't seem to get my own act together. Last summer I would stay up until four in the morning, not even on AIM or anything, just thinking, reading, writing, figuring myself out. And this year, everything's so wham-bam in your face you have-to-do-this-now that there isn't any time for introspection. If I stay up until five in the morning (as I did recently) I'm absolutely exhausted the next day because I can't sleep in until 3 in the afternoon and deal with my no-sleep hangover the way that I feel like it. I know that it's only the first week of summer, but already I'm exhausted and just wishing that I could quit living this kind of life. I don't like my job - sure, when it's boring, it's okay, but I'm so high-strung that when it gets busy, I tense up and feel like I'm about to snap into a zillion and three pieces. And the Ian thing is really killing me, everybody knows, everybody knows why, and I have turned myself into a joke, which is what I really, really, really didn't want to do. But I did it anyway, half unknowingly, half consciously, and now I've nothing to show for it except some scars and a broken, defeated heart. I need me time, but I want to be with my friends, because soon, I'll be gone. I don't want to hang out wiht my family when my dad's not home, but when he's home, it seems like we have to jam so much into the weekend that it's not really any fun, it's just one big required activity. I really feel like sleeping, but I'm not going to because my dad wants to hang out with me after the Strangs leave, and I miss him a lot, so I'm going to. I have to work 8 - 5 tomorrow, if I get off on time, which will be a blast, especially when church rush hits. Part of me keeps thinking about the speed, how it made everything better, I could pack so much more into a day when I was sniffing back crystallized energy, and now I'm tired all the time, like my body has gone into one big state of shock. Maybe I should stop smoking. Maybe I should move past this Ian thing - though it's two days fresh and still hurting. Maybe I should quit whining. Yeah, I think so.