This is the part where I'm supposed to wake up and realize that life isn't really like this, right? I feel so out of place, so awkward all the time, and I don't know how to act around huge groups of people anymore, and I don't know what to say, and I can't be funny or anything like that, I have never been really funny. And I feel like nothing I do is good enough for MY standards anymore, let alone anyone elses, and my writing is going down the crapper, and I feel like everything is slipping by me, and I'm watching my life pass me by on a TV screen. I feel like collapsing, but when I lay down, I can't sleep, even if I'm tired. And I've been told to put on angry music, but I can't even reach the anger inside of me, it's all just me feeling like nothing at all matters anymore, that no one cares, and nothing should be cared about. I'm ready for this to be over. I don't feel real anymore.

I love the taste of a cigarette still lingering on a cool spring night. I drove down the road last night after I dropped off Ian, and it was so cold, so chilly in my thin short-sleeved shirt, and I could still taste my cigarette. My skin was tingling, my mouth, though it hated its leftover acridity, was still happy, and I could feel the calm floating in me. The streets were so quiet, no big traffic, nothing crazy, and it was so dark, so silent. Whenever I go down that street, the one with all of the office buildings on it, whenever I go down that street at night, I have to put on some infinite-feeling music and look at the streetlamps and just feel peaceful. It reminds me of the quietness of the end of Fight Club, where Marla and Edward Norton are staring at the buildings as they fall down noiselessly, the Pixies singing in the background. Wow.

I need to know where I stand in life. After last night's crazy mental breakdown, I've been thinking a lot about everything and everyone. I know my parents want me out. Right now, I want out so much I can't stand to be in my house for more than 4 hours at a time, when they're here or I'm not sleeping. But what I don't understand is why they want me out. Why me? Why out? I was always the perfect kid, I did everything they ever wanted, I was exactly what they wanted out of a daughter. And now... now I'm not good enough, and that hurts so much. And the only one who knows what I'm feeling is Ian, because he's felt it on such a larger level than I have, and here I am complaining about it, and I feel like a giant shit for doing so. But it hurts. So much. Yesterday after my mom called I had to grab Bethany and run to my car and cry and have a goddamn cigarette because I couldn't handle it. And then, last night... was crazy. I don't know what happened to me. I don't know why I couldn't move. But then Ian came and I felt better, felt comforted. And all of these people were there for me, and they cared about me, and that made me realize my parents are shit. As if I didn't know. And all of last night left me evaluating my relationship with different people. Like Ian... I know you read this. Where do I stand with you? What's going on? What's going to happen with us? Tell me something, anything please. And Bethany, you're amazing. It's hard to believe we were ever at each other's throats because you've been absolutely wonderful these past few months. And Amy, Kelly, Adam, and Jason... wow. You don't read this, but here is my thanks, here is my gratitude. I had always known you were wonderful people. But now, now nothing can shake that from me. Thank-you for caring for me. And everyone else who was at the party, thank-you so much for your laughter and your care. It means so much. They always say that blood is thicker than water, meaning that family is better than friends. But my friends, you see, you are my family, because my real family doesn't want me. Thank-you for wanting me.