I feel very weird. Normally, the one person to whom I could speak about this whole thing would be Casey, but he's part of the whole weirdness thing. So I can't talk to him. I just feel like running over there and crying and being like I don't know what I'm doing, and I need protecting and holding. It's so odd, because like, in When Harry Met Sally, Harry asks Sally how long she likes to be held afterwards, and she says all night, and I want to be held all night too, but I didn't get to be held all night. I had a few minutes, and then I had to get my clothes on and go upstairs so my dad didn't freak out in the morning when I wasn't in my room. And I really needed to be held. And now I feel so stupid - there are a trillion things that I know that I did wrong, especially for a first time. And I don't know how to tell Casey all of this, because I don't want him to admit that I was not good. Argh. Talking about it is weird, and though I know I'm not pregnant (in my heart and head) there is still some inkling that suggests, well, maybe. And that inkling, really, really sucks. Because all along I've said, you know, I support a woman's right to choose, but I just couldn't do it. And now that I'm in that situation, I'm reconsidering. Because I can't tell my parents. I can't. And I can't have a baby, and I can't marry Casey, because he wouldn't have me, and I wouldn't be able to give my own child up for adoption. But an abortion... wow. I don't know if I could do that either. Becuase I don't want to kill my own child. But I'm not ready to be a mom, plain and simple. I'm going to royally fuck my kids up because I have so much baggage. And I don't think that I could tell Casey's family either. And then there's the whole issue of money. I have next to none. And Casey doesn't have any, really, either. So I would have to ask my friends to pay for my abortion. I couldn't do that. I could not. There is no way. Some of them don't even support the idea of abortions though, so I couldn't ask them anyway. And asking would involve telling them what happened, which would be breaking the rule, which would be very, very bad. I don't know what I'm doing, and I am so, so scared.

I feel somewhat like a social pariah. I have only seen 2 people since break started, and NO ONE has called in days. No one has IM'ed me either. And I'll be 18 tomorrow, and I'd think that someone would call at some point to wish me a happy birthday or just to talk or something, but it seems like I've been totally forgotten by everyone except Casey and sometimes Amy. And the whole thing with Casey is just so weird and not so weird right now, and add that to the fact that I'm so stressed out and nervous about the whole pregnancy issue...argh. What are the rules? Why can't men and women come up with RULES for gods sake? I mean, isn't it commonly understood that a condom must be put on before entering? I don't want to get pregnant! Pregnant is bad! And I can't talk to anyone about this because I told Amy I wasn't sure if I was going to do it, but I was, and Casey's gone straight edge, whatever that means, and now I'm so confused. Shit.

I got so sick of myself and my constant editing of thoughts on my other blog that I decided to create a new blog in which I could write uncensored about all of the other craziness in my life. My other blog refers to me as sleeping.... and this is where my dreams of normalcy are over.